I’ve been doing some reflection on Santa Claus and Christmas. An existential carrot has a lot of time on my core (in human terms “hands”), and I’ve reached some rather important and shocking insights about Christmas Eve and Santa:
- Santa Possesses a time machine – the time machine, disguised as a bunch of reindeer and a sleigh, rolls up on a home (in the parlance of Snoop Doggie Dog), Santa delivers the present, eats some cookies, drinks some eggnog, and then gets back into his time machine / sleigh and moves to the next home. He gently resets the time machine back the number of seconds it took him to deliver the gifts and consume the cookies and eggnog, or misc. liquor, and then moves on to the next home. Some folks don’t follow this tradition (cookies and beverage for Santa), so he spends less time in their homes. This is exactly and precisely how he manages to deliver all the gifts at some specific time / second. So, that explains how he pulls it off from a time management perspective.
- Santa Consumes vast quantities of Red Bull – clearly, having a time machine helps, but what about the energy needed. Well, I think Santa drinks plenty of Red Bull to pull this off.
- Santa is a virile stud – climbing down chimney’s, or simply breaking and entering, and drinking a few million Red Bull’s would kill the average man. Santa is a virile stud – think Elvis to the power of 1,000,000. His super manliness is how he has the stamina to deliver all these presents while being so completely hopped up on Red Bull. So, we are talking one virile man.
- Where do the elves come from that make the gifts and help him run Santa’s workshop? Well, if you fully understand my points above (the virile manly part), you will understand that Mrs. Claus has a pretty virile husband, and together they have created an army of elves.
- Where does Santa get all the money for this? Well, this goes back to the time machine. Santa simply goes back in time, collects some gold from the past, sells it at today’s market price, and just repeats (while drinking plenty of Red Bull) until he has the cash required to buy all the gifts required at Target / WalMart. This is what he does a few weeks before Christmas. Basic fund raising.
So, in conclusion, I’m sure many of you humans might find these revelations about Santa shocking. It is also shocking that you had to hear it from an existential carrot. Happy Holidays.