Little Known Facts About Santa and Christmas

I’ve been doing some reflection on Santa Claus and Christmas.  An existential carrot has a lot of time on my core (in human terms “hands”), and I’ve reached some rather important and shocking insights about Christmas Eve and Santa:

  • Santa Possesses a  time machine – the time machine, disguised as a bunch of reindeer and a sleigh,  rolls up on a home (in the parlance of Snoop Doggie Dog),  Santa delivers the present, eats some cookies, drinks some eggnog, and then gets back into his time machine / sleigh and moves to the next home.  He gently resets the time machine back the number of seconds it took him to deliver the gifts and consume the cookies and eggnog, or misc. liquor, and then moves on to the next home.   Some folks don’t follow this tradition (cookies and beverage for Santa), so he spends less time in their homes. This is exactly and precisely how he manages to deliver all the gifts at some specific time / second.  So, that explains how he pulls it off from a time management perspective.
  • Santa Consumes vast quantities of Red Bull – clearly, having a time machine helps, but what about the energy needed.  Well, I think Santa drinks plenty of Red Bull to pull this off.
  • Santa is a virile stud – climbing down chimney’s, or simply breaking and entering, and drinking a few million Red Bull’s would kill the average man.   Santa is a virile stud – think Elvis to the power of 1,000,000.   His super manliness is how he has the stamina to deliver all these presents while being so completely hopped up on Red Bull.  So, we are talking one virile man.
  • Where do the elves come from that make the gifts and help him run Santa’s workshop?  Well, if you fully understand my points above (the virile manly part), you will understand that Mrs. Claus has a pretty virile husband, and together they have created an army of elves.
  • Where does Santa get all the money for this?   Well, this goes back to the time machine.  Santa simply goes back in time, collects some gold from the past, sells it at today’s market price, and just repeats (while drinking plenty of Red Bull) until he has the cash required to buy all the gifts required at Target / WalMart.  This is what he does a few weeks before Christmas.   Basic fund raising.

So, in conclusion, I’m sure many of you humans might find these revelations about Santa shocking.   It is also shocking that you had to hear it from an existential carrot.    Happy Holidays.

Mr. Carrot


Astro-Z in Zero-G: There are others, like me, out There…

Recently, I read, a story of the birth, and life of a space born zucchini.   As I lay on my leather couch, after a hard day of reading Sartre, I imagine what it must be like to zoom thousands of miles per hours (or kilometers per second) through outer space, while also going through what I could image would be his early years of life. A child, a small zucchini (aka “zuck”),  living like a boy in a plastic ZipLock(tm) bubble.  A boy, a girl, I just don’t know what to make of AstroZ.    From one vegetable to another, I feel your existential angst, even if we are millions of miles apart.   After posting about you, I will also follow you on the Twitter to learn more of your adventures, you young zuck, in the space suit.  It is heartening to know (from your log on January 14), that you, as I, have a benefactor that keeps you moist.

My Thoughts on Carrot YouTube Videos

There is certainly no shortage of YouTube video footage on my kind.  As I watched these videos, it certainly struck me that humans are true savages.

  • — In this video two women are doing some kind of satanic exercise with clearly a bag of already born baby carrots.  They certainly do not come from the a fermented bag that some idiot humans left around.
  • — Yes, there is a second video of the faux birth of carrot babies.  This is clearly not where we come from.
  • – This Japanese man evidently entertains himself with the hollowed out corpse bodies of my kind.
  • – This sick bitch is training hedgehogs how to eat my kind.
  • – I thought “National Carrot Day Anthem”  initially that this was a song about how great we are,  and mostly it is, but 32 calories and chock full of beta carotene suggests we are great since we are “a healthy contribution to humans” (ie. they eat us, and that makes humans very happy about us.
  • – I watched this one on the potato, and I actually found it uplifting, and just a bit jealous, since it wasn’t a video about eating the potato but simply rejoiced in them.  It was a bit repetitive, but it was clearly shot by a young-ling human.
  • – I found this one very trippy, and hypnotic.  When I get old, and dried out, I want my benefactor to contact this person and have me regrown.
  • – In Harvesting Carrots, a helpless group of my kind is brutally relocated from their happy and warm home in the earth to Sartre knows where.
  • – This is what I call “Red Neck Carrot Video”, but it is actually titled “Planting Carrots”.  First, these carrots are plastic and have no realistic chance of growing.   Clearly, not cut out to be a carrot farmer, or even a benefactor.
  • – This came up when I was watching videos about growing carrots, and this looks like an awesome place to grow up.  However, I think is more about planting marijuana than planting carrots.   If I were going to be cloned on a large scale, I would have to have a serious discussion with my benefactor about one of these units, since it looks awesome.
  • – Carrot Love – This video is an R&B love video about how awesome Carrot Love is.  It is actually very romantic, but we carrot’s do not really possess that kind of lower body strength to pull off some of these moves.
  • – The video “Carrot Love on a Hot Plate” is really a low budget carrot porno, with some ridiculous voice talent.
  • – In “Carrots Love Tomatoes lecture – Part 2”, a very bad public speaker, possibly at a community college, is trying to educate his students on how to pair up carrots with tomatoes.  After the first minute I kind of lost interest.   I do think tomatoes are sexy, and I wouldn’t mind growing next to one, but symbiotic relationship is a bit strong.  I think cabbages smell, so I would vote against this kind of pairing.  I do think it is a brave attempt to help people understand inter-garden relationship dynamics.
  • – Much like the previous video, this guy is very amazed by the symbiotic relationship between my kind and tomatoes. Evidently there is a book called “Carrots Love Tomatoes”, which this fella provides a brief book review of.   I found his video much more interesting than the previous one, but I do think this fella was super high when he shot this.
  • – In “Carrot Love”, a Japanese (my best guess) film maker produces a carrot porno, which shows some pretty rough simulated carrot sex.  Again, universally humans are confused about the amount of dexterity we possess; I couldn’t pull off any of these moves.
  • – In this version of “Carrot Love”, two carrots are in some kind of romantic dispute, and then the male carrot character is eaten by a rabbit.  I would place this in the genre of romantic carrot snuff films.
  • – In “Carrot Loves You, Yeah!!!”, the Japanese demonstrate a very abstract love relationship with carrots.  However, I do find it strange that the human had her head stuck through one of my kind, so I’m a bit confused about the theme of this video.  Is she trying to bond or morph into one of us, or showing disdain for my mind.  Just confusing.
  • – Again, the Japanese are just weird… they like to carve into my vegetable friends and use us as musical instruments.  I never really thought of myself as “musical”, but this video changed my mind about what carrots can achieve with a little help from the creativity of the Japanese people.
  • – In “Carrot clarinet”, one of my kind is drilled repeatedly, then peeled in some kind of religious way,  has something stuck into the top of his head and ass, and then out flows soulful music from some bald headed jazzy white man.  Okay, so the Japanese aren’t the only people out there that get off playing us.
  • – In “Carrot Harvest 2010 at Nictaux Farms”,  the video starts with a bunch of 18 wheeler trucks and some very bad club music.  The vehicles drive around aimlessly at first.  Then, the horror begins – the mass extinction of thousands of my kind.  Clearly repugnant,  but if I were going to direct the production of a video like this, I would have used a very different sound track.  This white R&B crap just doesn’t work for mass murder – I would do something with Nine Inch Nails, or possibly Rob Zombie, since they are in red neck land.

Distance Learning – Growing my skills

As you can see, I have been corresponding with a number of universities to expand my philosophy skills; since I don’t own a car, have any mobility or thumbs, I need to go the distance learning route.   I am very pleased with the reply from the University of Washington.   I was snubbed by Notre Dame,  University of Michigan,  and Harvard, to name a few.  I think University of Washington must have a very progressive philosophy department, allowing an existential carrot to attend class.  It means they are not threatened by me and accepting of me.   Maybe I will join a fraternity, but I do fear hazing.

Dear Mr. Carrot:

The only online Philosophy course currently offered is PHIL 120
(generally section B), Introduction to Logic.  The online UW Time 
Schedule can be accessed at the following link,

If you have further questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me.



Program Coordinator
Department of Philosophy
University of Washington
Box 353350, Savery Hall 361
Seattle, WA 98195-3350

From: []
Sent: Saturday, July 24, 2010 4:54 PM
Subject: Distance learning - request for information


 I am a newborn existential carrot.  My life has just started to be
documented at  I am very interested in what kind
of distance learning you offer for philosophy classes at your 


Jean Paul "Sartre" Carrot

How Carrots Became the New Junk Food — Look at what they have done to my kind – it is systematized genocide endorsed by capitalist humans.   I was especially shocked by new born baby carrots in a bag.  Its like a coffin for 85g of my brethren.  Clearly in the marketing of this product they had to use an alien to sell the product, since humans are trying to distance themselves from this horror.   What is the big lie in all of this is that humans do crave junk food, but they need to stick to potatoes, hamburgers and bread.  This is how one becomes fat and obese in America;  trying to achieve this goal with carrots is just stupid.   Carrots are not junk food; carrots are very deep and creative beings that just want to be left alone to contemplate their existence.

A new kind of time, Jean Paul Sartre time

As Easter approaches, my mind wanders to thoughts of Christianity, and Jesus Christ.  I am, as you know, an existential carrot, and when I was struck by lightening in the forest, I was given a choice of what to believe and think, and I chose existentialism.  However, I did give Buddhism and Christianity some thought.   I also pondered time, and the meaning of time.  I spent so much time on the log, and time passed slowly.

Recently, I learned that people measure time by hours, minutes, seconds, days, weeks, months, years, and decades.  Many units of time are used by humans to keep track of their existence.  I find this fascinating.  Humans have gone so far as to harness the power of atoms to tell time.  I syncronize myself to NIST’s atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado;  a carrot needs accurate time keeping to track of moisture levels and feeding times.

I also learned that we are living in the year 2011, but this is really 2011 AD (Anno Domini), which is after the birth of Jesus Christ .   I also learned we are also living in the year 5771 according to the Jewish calendar, which I guess started when the world was created.   I do think, given the shabby condition of the planet, it seems like this rock has been around for much longer than that.  Scientists say the Earth is millions of years old, but not sure what calendar they use.  I suspect we are in the year 2,998,212,881, or something ridiculous like that.  I think if I were writing a check out to a scientist, I would write this in for the year and see what their reaction would be.

My mind then wandered to Jean-Paul Sartre, who is also dead.  I was wondering what kind of calendar Jean-Paul has?   He died in 1980, so I guess we live in Year 31 according to Sartre time, also noted as ADJPS (after death of Jean Paul Sartre).   So, if you see me refer to a future date and time, for example a photo shoot for one of my upcoming episodes, and I say “come to my photo shoot on November 12, 32 ADJPS”, you will have to figure out what year I’m talking about on your own.   I must also revise my calendar on for the right year ADJPS.  Time is complicated.